addiction, blog, Depression, help, Life, opinion, personal, Uncategorized

How Can I Help?

How can I help? What a strong question that gets belittled each and every day. Do we really mean it when we say it?

 

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It’s the title of a book I had to read for a class I was taking. Not to sound like a preacher, but I definitely think this is a book we should all read.

Whatever we are going through, I feel this brook will help you look at things just a bit differently. It really made me think; how I looked at life, the world around me, and the things I am doing every single day.

To be perfectly honest, sometimes the book made me feel like shit. But don’t get me wrong, it is still an amazing book.

How can I describe it? I guess the title says it all. It not only makes you ask yourself how you can help the people and world around you, but even more importantly, it makes you think about how you can help yourself.

From anything I have learned in sobriety, which still doesn’t even amount too much, is that we all need to help ourselves first. Before anything else we try to tackle with someone else.

Whether it is be being depressed as hell, angry as shit, or just craving that chemical help that we addicts were so fond of, it makes us really look deep inside ourselves and reach into the guts and messy shit we stored in the back of our minds that we don’t want to deal with.

Trust me, I know that sounds terrible; just writing it made me realize that. But it helps you figure out the questions we need to ask ourselves to bring the fucked up shit to the front of the mind without having to kick it away with all your might. It does it in a subtle way that also gives you the strength the follow through.

I know, I’ve been writing more of a book review than a blog post, but I felt like I had to share this book. It’s got nothing to do with AA or NA, but just plain old yourself and the world in the way you see it. It has already helped me figure some stuff out, and showed me things that I really need to work on. I’m sure it can, if not help you, change your perspective on some things in a positive way.

Alright, I’m done ranting. Just wanted to share something I thought might help.

Stay Strong Beautiful People

 

Addiction, blog, Life, love, opinion, quotes, Uncategorized

Show Me Love

Love. It’s something we all crave and search for. Yes, even those of you who swear up and down that they don’t need anyone but themselves and other protective reactions alike. I have come across many of you in my life and it is all still in there. The yearning to be loved. But hey, I’m not trying to be mean here, I used to say the same thing.

Anyway, it’s not difficult to figure out why we all want it. It makes us feel good. It pushes away that agonizing feeling of loneliness that creeps in at random times making us want to cuddle up with a pint of cookie dough ice cream and watch Netflix for hours.

(I can’t be the only one)

Currently in my own life, I’m in a situation where I was thinking about something and then found a quote that went along perfect with it.

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all of the barriers with in yourself that you have built against it.

                                                                                                                – Helen Scheuman

How open to love am I actually? How open to love are you?

And wait, am I constantly bitching about something that I, myself am sabotaging.

Damn it.

We definitely have so many walls up to protect ourselves; some of them we may not even be aware of. These are the ones I’m trying to work on. Complicated little shits they are, let me tell you.

Naturally we will always be weary and worried about getting hurt in something where we put ourselves out there. But I feel like this quote is going to stick with me for some time. It makes me feel like I almost have blinders on preventing me from even noticing it.

Life can definitely be hard at times. With depression and recovering from addiction, I want to believe that love is everywhere. I hear and see all the bad and crazy things that are happening around the world and I won’t accept that that is simply life.

I’m not that cynical yet.

I think I, and maybe others too, need to learn to simply recognize it more often.  Along with being able to recognize those walls we built that we don’t even know about yet.

Be able to see when it is right in front of you. And instead of pushing it away, let it in. You never know what will happen.

Maybe… just maybe, you’ll get what you want.

 

new year, Uncategorized

That “New Year, New Me” Thing?

 

That’s what the saying is right? New year, new me?

Is it really true? Are we really flourishing into a brand new people. Probably not. Can we? I mean, I think it could be possible. Maybe… no not really. I’m not trying to be a negative sally though so just hold on a second.

It’s definitely not as easy as it seems, to change completely. We are all stuck in our ways, ways that might not be the ones that are making us as happy as we wish they would. So instead of deciding on a, ‘New Year New Me’ kind of situation, I wanted to make a ‘New Year, Better me’

That one,  is definitely possible.

I feel most of us fail to accomplish what we set out to be our resolutions because we tend to overwhelm ourselves with changing into this new person. I don’t think this is something that is needed. I don’t even think it is something positive.

No matter what, we are all beautiful people. Things that are occurring on the outside world might just not be making us happy.

Whether its the guy not making us happy; our body isn’t how we want it to be; whether or not we want to keep doing this or that… you get the point.

That got me thinking if it is our behaviors that lead to those outside events. After all, our word is shaped by how we perceive things and how we react to those thoughts.

The resolutions we tend to set are sometimes things that we already know are not going to be accomplished the second we write them down, or make a mental note of them though and punish ourselves when we “fail.”

A quick example in my own life was that I wanted to go to the gym a few times a week and so on. But, I knew life was going to get in the way sometimes and other times, I might just not want to.

Be more active” is what replaced it.

Some of you might not agree with my easier on thy self perspective, but I know for some, it might do well. Especially if, like me, you are recovering from an addiction.

Setting goals that are actually within your grasp and those that you will not hate yourself for setting in the first place, will be much more rewarding. It is then after your reach some of those goals that you can continue to work up to what you eventually want to accomplish.

What I am trying to get to really, is make 2016 a year that you are nicer to yourself. Be more compassionate, and don’t be too hard on yourself.

Those are some of the most destructive patterns of thinking when it comes to happiness and your own self-perception.

I know for myself, it is what made 2015 a particular difficult year, when I don’t think it really had to be.

 

 

Addiction, blog, goals, Life, Motivation, personal, relationships, thoughts

One of the most important things we need to remember…

“I’ve made mistakes in my life. I’ve let people take advantage of me, and I accepted way less than I deserve, but I’ve learned from my bad choices and even though there are some things I can never get back and people who will never be sorry, I’ll know better next time and I won’t settle for anything less than I deserve.”

~Unknown,
  

2015, Abuse, blog, Depression, Drug Addiction, help, life, personal, thoughts

Birthday Blues: Drug Residue

“I was 100% sure that I would be dead by now. And I technically did die twice. What other bullshit am I gonna have to go through in order for it to just all end already.”

Those were some of my last sentences I wrote in my journal. A few months later I walked into rehab.

Ok, lets rewind a little….

So I just recently turned 24. Its still weird to say this when my birthday comes with each passing year in sobriety. As I look at those pages and read the ink that was thrown down, I can’t believe that THAT was me. I wrote those words. But at the same time, i remember feeling and fully believing that. I would not live past 21. I just wouldn’t. And that was fine.

addiction choke

Image by: Pink Sherbet Photography

I was wrapped up in the suffocating grip of addiction, and people in my life were disappearing to the left and right of me. I remember thinking that the past few years has been a drawn out game of russian roulette, but, “the excitement of some of the highs were worth the lows.”

That was what I was trying to convince myself for the first few years. it was only after having to set flowers at another few graves that I realized lows were all that were left.

Well Back To Now

So as I mentioned, it was just my birthday a few days ago. As much as my view has changed, and trust me they have changed, I once again get the.. birthday blues, I guess you would call them.

Whatever you wanna call it, I slipped into a hole of depression. But its not the same kind of depression that I am accustomed to battling throughout the year. It’s something different. My dark passenger seems to be reminding me, louder than usual, about the years that I wasted. About the possibilities that might of been right in front of me, but I was too doped up to even slightly see them.

Once again, my mind was being pulled back into the past, while thinking about the things I most likely fucked up in the future. This is such a reoccurring shit storm that enters my head and brings me down, but usually around my birthday is when it gets the worst.

What needs to happen

For some reason, I have been on an audiobook binge recently, and the latest book I have been listening to is, “10% Happier,” by Dan Harris.  Yes, I have ben reverting to self-help books. I know, I know. Keep with me though.

I was stuck in traffic somewhere on the freeway while I heard Harris say something that strangely picked me up and changed my view just a little. But I think it was just that little bit that I needed so that I knew what to do.

I can’t remember if this is exactly right, but it pretty much said,

“If you have one foot in the past, and one in the future, you are pissing on the present.”

Why this quote sparked something in my mind, I have no idea. But it did. I’m not saying it lifted these birthday blues Im going through, but it is definitely helping.

…I think I know what to do…

Well sort of.

I’m always thinking about the past. One way or another. I know it’s impossible to just never think of it again, but what I mean is that I think about it in relation to how much I fucked up what could have been. How much it fucks with relationships I am in because of the flashbacks and insecurities. Stuff of that sort. And if my main goal is happiness, this kind of thinking is definitely not going to get me anywhere.

So then the easy answer would be to bring that foot from the past, forward to the present… right? Of course when it comes to real life, it is always easier said than done, but I know it is something that CAN be done..though it may take a lot of practice.

I’ve heard many say that you need to live completely in the present, and not think about the future or else the only thing you will lead yourself to is disappointment.

I dont know if it is just me being stubborn, but I dont accept that at all. I feel like with a foot being in the present, the other foot (or at least half) should in fact be in the future. I know for myself, I need to make commitments and set goals so that I can work towards something. It brings meaning to the present in those difficult moments when we have trouble finding any.

And when I think of the future in that aspect, I can spend the rest of my energy figuring out what to do in the present in order to get to where I want to be.

We all have worked way to hard to let the demons of the past take control of even more time in our lives.

Stay strong bloggers. My rambling is done for now.

With Much Love,

D.Z.